Avenir professionnel radieux. Épanouissement à son paroxysme. Parfois, je m'éloigne vraiment de ce que je suis devenue, construction à abattre. Ne pas penser. Continuer à se créer des objectifs futiles pour passer le temps, ranger la procrastination creative dans le fond d'un puit. Challenges stupides. Au moins, ça évite la réflexion mal à propos. Craquages nerveux, se sentir loin et rien. Renoncer à ses rêves pour ce genre d'apprentissage sans grandes convictions. A quelles fins ? La connaissance ?
C'est ainsi. Il faut juste ne pas réfléchir sur soi. Et accepter de prostituer son cerveau, ses capacités. Sacrifier ses fiertés. S'auto-convaincre et se baigner de lectures. Essayer d'avancer à pas lents, musique entêtante et se satisfaire de riens, sinon ce serait la fin et tout ce boulot sur soi donné aux loups. Bientôt, j'arrêterai complètement de dessiner. Complètement. Ça ne sert strictement à rien de s'attacher à des fantasmes ridicules, ces passions débiles dont tu n'acquiers principalement que frustration. Out of my life. En converser au passé, c'est peut-être douloureux, mais plus réaliste. Je brulerai tout. Auto-flagellation off.
Putain, ces jobs hypocrites, ça tue mes terminaisons nerveuses. Court circuit dans la carte électrique. On fera avec. Maintenant, je vis sous le signe souriant de la comptabilité. Rions vraiment. De toute façon, mon moi gamin, il se fout vraiment de ma tête. Quelle marrade quelles ambitions embitumées. Je me trompe encore ? Je ne sais plus rien.
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